Escaping…

Do you ever just want to escape from everything? Be someone else? Do something else? What about live somewhere else?

I have escaped more times than I can count, and it is not just physical. When I start a novel I dive right in. I completely immerse myself in that world. I am no longer Isabelle Winters. I have been in heartache over novels. Diving so immensely into a character is hard sometimes because you entwine your emotions with theirs. You become that character. Sometimes I ask myself why I am doing this? Why, and what makes me want to escape myself? It is a question I will never end to analyze these questions. The answers change with time, mood, and change as I change myself. Especially when I change how I think about things. I am on a constant search for new information, new ways to say something, and new ways to do things; or to do something completely new.

Doing something. This one is tough to explain. I feel as if I can theoretically and imaginatively see what the character is doing and therefore in “my mind’s eye” (I call it) I am doing it. I don’t see words on a page, I see the entire thing. If I really want to escape I become that person. If I am reading for joy and don’t need that refuge as much I am watching a movie in “my minds eye”.

Living somewhere else though is hard. Sometimes I rely on images, sensations, memories and more to see and ‘experience’ the places the characters are in. I can only imagine how different it would be if I were ever to visit these either fictitious places or based on real locations. It wouldn’t have the same ‘air’.

You learn a lot just from ‘being someone else’ for a while. You think differently to an extent.

When I talk about my characters in my novel I talk as if they are real people (this hurts to say) because to me they are real. They are a part of me. They came from me. I am these character. They just have different parts of me. The parts I keep hidden—the geeky, flirt, kinky (not to “Fifty Shades” extent), shy/timid, expert, and the romantic.

People that know me, through this site and through my personal, and professional outside life would rhetorically ask that “do you really hide the romantic side of you though?”. I really think I do. It is easy to write it down, think it, and feel it, but to actually act on that side? It is a very vulnerable side of myself. It is as if I find it hard to connect that inside part to the outside of myself. I feel awkward and uncoordinated when I try to be the romantic in me. Although again some people would say that I just get too inside my own head, and I tend to over analyze things—this is in true. When I over think and get stuck inside my head I am seeing myself through my own eyes but think that the person I am with is seeing the same thing. We do not see ourselves as accurate, and kindly as others do. We are often harsh to ourselves. I know I am fifty percent of the time. It is hard not to be. We want to be perfect, and to not show any weaknesses. To not let anything break us when we are the ones breaking ourselves half the time.

Do I want to escape? Right now…no. I have people in my life that allow me to see myself in a new light (as she sits underneath the most annoying spot light at a Starbucks coffee shop) and appreciate what I see. To love what I see. Of course there are improvements I want to make, but that doesn’t mean I am going to kill myself to do it. I am going to take my time. Be patient, healthy (body and mind), stress less if possible, and surround myself with those who see me for…well…me!

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